Too tired for sex? How to know if you are in a sexless marriage.
You’ve just had a long, hectic day. You’ve had a full day at work, and when you come home, you’re immediately greeted by household chores, clingy kids, and a stack of bills. There’s dinner to prepare and a report that’s due tomorrow morning. Then, when you lie down in bed—eager to get much-needed sleep—your husband gives you that look. Oh, no! Something tells you that he’s about to ask for sex, but you’re just not in the mood, and haven’t been in a long time. “I’m tired, honey,” you say, but he gets upset. “You’re always tired!” he complains. What do you do?
1. Talk about both your needs.
All marriage experts agree that communication is the heart and soul of a happy relationship. You may be physically exhausted right now, but it’s important to maintain at least that emotional connection. Explain your feelings (it’s better than rolling over and making him feel ignored and unwanted) and then listen to his.
Talking to each other can also help you find a happy compromise and look for practical and realistic ways to solve the problem. For example, you can set a special day each week when you and your husband can go on a date and set the mood for bedtime. Or, if you’re overwhelmed by work and household chores, you can talk about ways to reduce your workload. Maybe you can hire a housekeeper, or your husband can take over dinner and dishes three times a week.
2. Boost your body.
Regular physical activity and exercise can help boost your libido and strengthen your body so you aren’t completely wiped out from work by the end of the day. Exercise also releases endorphins, your body’s happy hormones, and losing those excess pounds can also make you feel better about yourself and the way you look.
“But I’m too tired and busy to exercise!” you sigh. Even just 20 minutes of regular exercise a day can already boost your energy levels. It can even be a way of bonding with your husband and kids: go for a walk after dinner, go dancing once a week, take up a sport. You can also get 30-minute exercise DVDs. Try waking up 20 minutes earlier every day–sounds hard, but it’s worth it. You’ll feel an increase in concentration and energy levels and can get more done in less time.
3. Watch what you eat
You don’t need to go on a diet. Just eat a light dinner. Heavy meals can make you feel sluggish, and high-sugar desserts will lead to an energy crash just when you hit the sack. Certain foods have also been known to increase libido—why not include these ingredients in your meal plan? Many people will advise you to have a glass of wine to prepare for sex however I feel it is a bit sad if you have to drug yourself to enjoy sex. I myself discourage the use of all recreational drugs, even the legal ones like coffee and alcohol.
4. Spend time away from the kids
It’s hard to get into the mood, or even connect as a couple, when every free minute of your day goes to the kids. Maybe you can declare every other Saturday “couple time” and send the kids to the grandparents. Or, hire a babysitter so you and your husband can watch a movie or go out for a night of dancing. If that’s not feasible, look for other pockets of couple time. You can have Sunday breakfast in bed, or meet up for lunch once a week.
Sex is just part of a deeper, intimate relationship. It’s hard to feel physically connected when your conversations revolve around errands or the kids’ soccer games. Set time “just to talk.” It’ll strengthen your marriage and give you much needed stress relief.
5. Celebrate little occasions.
Don’t wait for Valentine’s Day or your wedding anniversary to do something special together. Make little romantic gestures “just because.” Send him flowers just to thank him for being a great dad and husband. Leave naughty love notes in his day planner. These can put the spark back into your marriage (and sex life), and also is a way to tell him again and again how much you love him. Sex isn’t the only way to show affection and appreciation—and sometimes that’s all a couple needs to get through a normal “dry spell.”
Signs you are in a sexless marriage
Sex and intimacy are very important foundations in any marriage it makes the partners feel secure and safe in the relationship and it also creates a bond between them. When intimacy and sex leaves the marriage you can be sure that it is indicative of brewing trouble.
The definition of a sexless marriage should be qualified though. It doesn’t necessarily mean that sex has totally left the marriage. For example, if you want to have sex everyday but your partner is only willing to have sex twice a week it is not a sexless marriage. But on the other hand, if you want to have sex three times a week and your partner is only willing once a month it is a sexless marriage.
A sexless marriage is hard to discuss sometimes and the other partner (usually the one who is not willing to get more intimate) will not likely understand what it means and what its implications are. Since their demand for sex is being met they don’t consider it a sexless marriage.
The huge difference in the sexual needs of the spouses is what triggers the trouble. One person will gain control of when sex is initiated and it leaves the other partner powerless and frustrated. Unfortunately, this situation is not uncommon. Studies show that 1 in 5 marriages are considered sexless. The effects of a sexless marriage can be hard because the constant rejection can make the partner feel unwanted and undesirable. It also contributes to feelings of being trapped in a relationship.
Some signs that you may be heading towards a sexless marriage are:
• Going to bed later or early than your partner to avoid the advances
• Relenting to sex out of guilt and not out of a desire to get intimate with your partner
• Argue about sex
• Blaming each other about sex or the reasons for not having sex
• Complaining that the partner is always amorous
• Blaming the children, work or other external problems for not wanting sex
• Feeling resentful or angry towards your partner
• Wondering whether your spouse loves you or not
• Shutting down emotionally and building a wall around yourself to protect yourself from rejection
• Feeling frustrated because your partner does not seem to understand where you’re coming from
• Entertaining thoughts of finding companionship with other people
Famous TV personality Dr. Phil says that sexless marriages is an epidemic, with an estimated 20 to 40 million couples in the US alone complaining of this particular problem. A sexless marriage can be fixed but the issue of sex and intimacy in a marriage is so hard to discuss. A discussion of the underlying causes for a sexless marriage can also lead to more friction. For example, work is one factor that is most commonly brought up when dealing with this problem. But marriage experts say that all the hard work is ultimately wasted if it means a failed relationship. Also, there are spouses who think that sex is ultimately not important in a relationship. Unfortunately, if the problem goes on for too long, permanent damage on the relationship is inevitable.
Disclaimer: We are not Medical Doctors! The suggestions and information contained in this website support the mission of the Cosmosis Mentoring Centre to provide insight into self actualisation of the human experience that we believe when combined with lifestyle habits such as drinking pure water and getting regular exercise produce wellness of mind, body and spirit. We encourage anyone with a health condition to seek advice from their health care professional.
